I have blogged over the years about my health issues, my tummy troubles and chronic pain. Looking back at my previous posts I was trusting God and He was giving me strength. But lately I have become callus, bitter and resentful. Those worlds are even hard for me to type because that is not the person, mother, or wife I want to be. I am totally ashamed.
A few months ago I was feeling much better. I gained weight, I felt more energy. I was able to reduce my medications. I was really happy. But after a couple months the pain started to appear and exhaustion set in again. After just a few days of mommy work I have to rest even more days. My digestion is suffering and I just feel sick. I started to feel angry, angry at God. Where was He? Why am I going through this? Why cant I find any answers? He could surely help me, even heal me! Why wont He? I kept my bitterness and questions to myself. I didn't even want to talk to God anymore. But of course He could hear me He knows my heart.
After some time past. I finally cried out to God. I spilled my bleeding heart. I repented for my ugly selfishness, bitterness and resentment. I asked if He was there and could if He hear me. I clearly heard in the back of my mind, "I have things to tell you, read my word, read Job."
Reading the book Job God showed me that I have no authority to ask "why?" I don't even need to know why. God knows why.
Job was a Godly man. But Job suffered greatly, he lost most his family, wealth, and his health. But he never turned away from God. God gave Job no explanation of the sufferings he endured but in the end Job was blessed more than he could have ever imagined.
There is suffering and pain in this world. I cant understand or comprehend why. But God knows why and he is the King. I must trust this. He see's the whole entire picture, while I can only see an outline. He loves me. I know this is part of His greater purpose for my life. Someday I will be blessed more than I could possibly imagine.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
Lord, I pray for you to work on my heart. Thank you for revealing my bitterness. Help me humble and gracious to your will for my life. Help me to trust in you. Give me strength when I am weak spiritually, mentally, and physically. I am comforted in the fact you are taking care of the "why" so I don't have too. Thank you Lord for loving and taking care of me.