I have blogged over the years about my health issues, my tummy troubles and chronic pain. Looking back at my previous posts I was trusting God and He was giving me strength. But lately I have become callus, bitter and resentful. Those worlds are even hard for me to type because that is not the person, mother, or wife I want to be. I am totally ashamed.
A few months ago I was feeling much better. I gained weight, I felt more energy. I was able to reduce my medications. I was really happy. But after a couple months the pain started to appear and exhaustion set in again. After just a few days of mommy work I have to rest even more days. My digestion is suffering and I just feel sick. I started to feel angry, angry at God. Where was He? Why am I going through this? Why cant I find any answers? He could surely help me, even heal me! Why wont He? I kept my bitterness and questions to myself. I didn't even want to talk to God anymore. But of course He could hear me He knows my heart.
After some time past. I finally cried out to God. I spilled my bleeding heart. I repented for my ugly selfishness, bitterness and resentment. I asked if He was there and could if He hear me. I clearly heard in the back of my mind, "I have things to tell you, read my word, read Job."
Reading the book Job God showed me that I have no authority to ask "why?" I don't even need to know why. God knows why.
Job was a Godly man. But Job suffered greatly, he lost most his family, wealth, and his health. But he never turned away from God. God gave Job no explanation of the sufferings he endured but in the end Job was blessed more than he could have ever imagined.
There is suffering and pain in this world. I cant understand or comprehend why. But God knows why and he is the King. I must trust this. He see's the whole entire picture, while I can only see an outline. He loves me. I know this is part of His greater purpose for my life. Someday I will be blessed more than I could possibly imagine.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Romans 8:8
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
Lord, I pray for you to work on my heart. Thank you for revealing my bitterness. Help me humble and gracious to your will for my life. Help me to trust in you. Give me strength when I am weak spiritually, mentally, and physically. I am comforted in the fact you are taking care of the "why" so I don't have too. Thank you Lord for loving and taking care of me.
Amen.
Wow! What a blessing to hear your sharing Niki! All things work for good! He has a plan, He is strengthening you, you are growing in Him :)
ReplyDeleteI love you Niki, I am so proud of you!
Mom
I hope you feel better soon :) Hugs!
ReplyDeletethis is so true. thanks for the inspo! I'll be coming back for more ;)
ReplyDeleteXo Megan, www.TfDiaries.com
I know how you feel, I have been sick for a long time. I have Lyme disease and it went a very long time before being treated. I am 33 and probably first contracted it when I was 13. It is hard and I often wonder why I must still be sick. I hear people talk about how they "were" sick and what God taught them and what that illness prepared them for. I get frustrated and I want God to show me the big revelation for why I have this illness and the great things He wants me to do because of going through this, but that hasn't happened yet. I have a good life though, with a very sweet husband and family that love me very much. I am not healthy, but in a lot of ways I have blessings that many others don't have. I would love to go out there and take on the world for God because of what I have gone through, but that doesn't seem to be His plan right now. I get left behind in life a lot because I can't keep up with the world around me, but this enables me to see and care about others in life that are also left behind and who really do have no one to care about them. So even though, my life is not how I planned, it is still Good, God is still God, and I would follow Him even if my health never improves.
ReplyDeleteI pray though that you will be healed! Also I think it's ok to tell God when you are upset about being sick, sometimes the tears just have to come out and you just have to lay it all before Him. I pray that you will have more strength and energy, and that you will be able to enjoy Christmas with your sweet little family!! :)